Living with Brain Injury: Melt Downs -- 2 for 1

I was searching for a poem for a friend to give with Emily Dickinson's Black Cake. She is making it tonight and can't wait to get started, and on Jan. 6 she will give it as her Wise Man gift to her friends and family.  She asked me to look for a poem to go with it.  I gave the recipe with mine...much easier!  I ran across this poem, which I always loved by Emily Dickinson, and it felt more right for today for Bill and I than for the cake.

We have had a rough day. And I mean rough.  Since his return from the hospital he has medical problems and ongoing brain injury related problems. This morning he decided it would be easy to get his hair cut.  He told the nurse at her early morning visit this was the top priority for the day. Sounds easy enough.  How much detail do you want? 

The nurse came early because I had an important medical appointment 20 miles away, and was worried about the results of a biopsy I had had last year and it was time for a new one.

A few minutes later the nurse said the pharmacy must have only given us 45 of 90 pills of one of his because we were almost out of it. I had to call and found out that yes it did authorize so that must have been the case.  Sorry about that.  We'll see when we go to pick it up.

Do you know the commercial for the "free" phone Assurance Wireless assures us nightly on television will make your loved ones life easier? We got one for Bill but it was too complicated for him to use. I cancelled mine and we use this one for his needs. It would not let us dial 411 to get the number of the hair cutters to see if they are even open Monday.

The bank ATM denied my request for $20, which put me in a panic, the bank line was long and apparently some of the teller's computers were down. The people in line were slow and confused.  All this on the way to my doctor appointment. I finally left there without reaching the front of the line, drove on to the doctor's office and called the bank. Yes, I was told, I did have MORE THAN ENOUGH and that was odd. "Machine might have been out of cash," she said. I know there is always a problem at that branch....ALWAYS. But I went there to please Bill.

That made me mad. It occurred to me that just about everything I do is to please Bill, or for Bill, or about Bill.  When we got into the office, Bill was mad he could not get his hair cut. 

I walked into the doctors office, started to cry and that was that. I said, I find myself outside arguing with a man who has a brain injury. I cannot do that!

He doubled my reflux medicine for two weeks, padded me on the back, did the check up and sent me out with the prescription and let's wait a bit for an endoscope. Get the stress under control first.  So I had a melt down. I forgot to pay the co-pay and used that time to go back into the office and get myself together. 

We drove to the hair cutters, whom Bill said yesterday he would never go to again, but demanded to this morning, and dropped him off.  Explained what to do and I would be right back.  He got his hair cut by the girl he did not want most happily.  I returned five minutes later after returning from drug store where I bought make-up for me, and got cash for the barber.  The barber knows him well and I knew he would safe across the street.

This was way more complex and more personal, but this is not the place for that. Some confused thought patterns are rolling around in Bill's head since the respiratory failure.  A plan is in place already to deal with them.  We had lunch at home, he read the mail, and is sleeping peacefully. After two calls to the Free Phone company, they have solved the problems and told me to leave it off for four hours. 

One of his nurse practitioners just called and I filled her in and she is going to get all of the information to the doctor who may be able to help. Her call was about medication that I already picked up, so it was a blessing she called at all.

Before I share the poem, let me just say please feel free to comment or email your own fights with your own spouses!  A little bit lighter spirited now that things are calmer. This poor man has been through the wringer the past three weeks, and I have to do what ever will help him. And to help him, it is share with others the stress of full time caregiving.  Thank you, as always for listening.

This poem has always meant so much to me. I fell in love with it in high school, many moons ago. When I read it today, I realized that we all have melt downs, Bill and I just had ours together today. But I read this again and I know that this is why I am a caregiver to this man, and will do it as long as I can. How long that is, who can say. 

Had I written this instead of Emily, I would dedicate it to Bill, because this is how I feel about him, melt downs or not!

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin 
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

From: Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part One: Life
The complete poems of Emily Dickinson, with an introduction by her niece, Martha Dickinson Bianchi