What am I doing here??? Blogging, caregiving, loving.

This is the question I am asking myself this morning as I begin to blog this morning. I know WHO I am trying to reach, but not HOW.  What I really want to know if WHY.  Excuse the dramatic capitalization. I guess I hope it will help me get to the point.  The answer is I have become a caregiver by default. I can't say I have not chosen it, because in some sense I could walk away.  There are both real and invisible strings that tie me to that choice.

When Bill first left the hospital with a very vague diagnosis of 24 hour supervision, I did not know exactly what that meant. It meant someone had to be with him all the time for his own safety. Too many details and reasons to go into that right now.  I needed help, and I needed it fast!

I hired two different lawyers, I filed for Medicaid for Bill, etc etc.  There are too many details to list here right now, also.  I did what I had to do while working somewhat full-time, but I was not getting the pertinent answers I wanted.  I went to the Internet for help.

There on a site on Traumatic Brain Injury in San Diego, I found an article, or short story written by a young man with a TBI.  To sum that up quickly, he said try to see yourself in my place for one day. I looked at Bill and thought through the day we had just had.  I would not want to be in his shoes.  I look at him everyday and know that as his companion and spouse his day is better. 

 What my psychologist said to me early on in this process was, "What's good for Bill may not be good for you."  That is a daily process.  That is one of the answers to my question: I am here to make Bill's life better.

Another answer to my question is that I have given up and sacrificed much to do this.  I left my job and gave up a career I loved. I miss writing daily for a living, but I still love writing and want to continue with that joy in my life. Writing this blog reconnects me with the world, with the hopes that my fits, slips and foibles will help someone else to continue caring for someone they love.  This is not always an easy task.

I know this is one of those self-absorbed pity parties we speak of at times. That is another reason why I am here and writing a daily blog. It keeps me focused on the positive side of our life.  Bill's independence is always in the forefront of my thinking. How can he become more self-reliant?  I think he has reached what they call his baseline, and this is it.



He is a joy, he is good to me, and he needs me.  That should all be enough.  But I want to share a picture with you.  It is of my two youngest grandchildren on New Years' Eve.  Gosh what I would give to have been there with those two at that moment.  The sadness for me is these two beautiful children came into our lives just as this TBI took over our lives. 




Bill and I both feel like life is passing us by, and are struggling to find a way to jump out of the TBI penalty box, and rejoin the world together.  I continue to read other information on TBI, and try to learn from that.  I see my senior neighbors who are caring daily for each other.  Bill and I met after both of us had been married a long time, and we are blessed to have each  other. We have some sort of bond that neither of us can explain. But it has always been there and continues to bind us together.  The TBI has both hurt us and helped us. I am not sure I have an answer for that.

I knew that if I were seriously ill my former husband would not have the emotional strength to take care of me. It is one of the reasons our marriage ended.  So the pity party is over, and I leave you and myself with more questions than ever.  Had Bill and I been married for 30 years before this happened, I wonder if it would be any easier. I don't think so.  But one thing I do know for sure, we are in this together. 

I think another reason I am here and sharing this, is because I want caregivers like me to know that this could be a long haul.  And it's OK to feel the pain and share it.  It's all part of grieving what each of us has lost. And to remember what we have gained.

I will get a foothold that pull myself out of the pit, and be grateful for what life has to offer us today. Only thing left to do.  Let go and let God, I've heard. OK God, You're on.  Thanks for the help and for listening.